Breakthrough?

Well, so much for the health food phase. As I write this, I have just finished a dinner of pizza, jellybeans and chocolate. And for dessert at lunch I ate a cookie that was about the same size as my head.

I simply can’t do this whole self-improvement thing in one fell swoop. I am working on being a kinder, better, quieter, more responsive and relaxed person but right about the time when I started having actual chest and stomach pains from trying not to tell some idiot how stupid they were being, I needed some junk food.

I really need to learn from my middle child, who is able to play a game of ‘go fish’ with her two year old sister and patiently listen to her asking, ‘do you have any nines?’ over and over and over for about half an hour. Without screaming, pulling her hair out, or having chest pains. She also patiently and lovingly taught Grace (the two year old) how to play ‘mad libs’, telling her what adjectives, nouns and verbs are. Oh and speaking of that game, we were playing last night and I had to provide a verb ending in ‘ing’. I said ‘yelling’ and the kids instantly responded ‘oh, what mom does a lot’  ugh. The truth hurts. So from then on I was careful to use a calm, quiet voice.

Well, except for when my 7 year old hit me in the head with a kitchen cabinet. Hard. Or when the same kid whacked me with the refrigerator door. I’m starting to wonder if that was really an accident. At least no more toothbrushes behind the toilet.

So, I guess I’m going to try to just eat healthy but allow myself to indulge (just a little) when I’m about to develop an ulcer or start having chest pains again.

But on a positive note, I feel that I am making progress in not being so crazy or needy. I had quite the breakthrough as I was scrubbing kids toothpaste out of the sink. I really have no idea why so much of my life involves toothpaste right now. But anyways, I had an epiphany that until recently I had always relied on only one person to meet all of my emotional needs. Never the same person for long though. I simply couldn’t fathom why none of my ‘relationships’ lasted longer than two weeks. I was like the crazy but loveable redhead in the movie ‘how to lose a guy in 10 days’ who is sobbing that all of her relationships go well for about a week and a half but then they all end and she is mystified. Her life would completely revolve around that one man for that time. And at the end of each brief relationship she would be devastated. Yup, that was me. And let’s not even discuss how upset I would be if I didn’t have a man in my life. I would feel like I wasn’t even a person, as my entire identity would be based on the man of the moment. I’m not just speaking of romantic love either. I didn’t know I was even capable of having more than one friend at a time until recently.

No one person can be fully responsible for another person’s happiness and emotional well being. That is just too much pressure. Not to mention that we’re all flawed human beings. My perfectionism still rears its ugly head from time to time but I’m trying to realize that I’m only human and will make mistakes, but at least mistakes mean that I’m trying.

I realized that by having more than one friend at a time I am more balanced and less clingy and/or crazy. And at least my days don’t revolve around whether that one person has communicated with me. I have enough self-awareness and self-respect now to realize how pathetic and desperate most of my life has been, and I’m trying to learn from it.  And I’m usually even ok with the prospect of being alone.Hey, maybe this is how normal people are able to have relationships lasting longer than two weeks.

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